PANIC ATTACK DAY

“…All the drugs in this world, won’t save her from herself…”
April 7th/09


Mmm… It’s awful to feel like this… like everything was wrong and I was in a dead end…
My body is in pain, and my mind is beginning to suffer, too…

I was in the hospital in February, almost a week, with pain, fever, weakness, cough, scaly rash, red bumps on legs and arms, swollen and painful ankles, knees and wrists… I’ve had Erythema nodosum for about four months, and my doctors told me the cause (at last) a month ago:

I have pulmonary sarcoidosis Stage I
(Löfgren Syndrome)

My doctor’s prescription was DIMARD 400mg (Hidroxicloroquina sulfato), FLEXOL 7,5mg (Meloxicam) and DOLEX 500mg (acetaminophen). I had COLCHIMEDIO 0,5mg (Colchicina) for 15 days, but I don’t have to take it now.

Besides of treat the erythema nodosum, Cloroquina (DIMARD) has to stop the growth of the lung’s granulomas… however this medication has a lot of secondary effects… the major is eye’s damage… so, I have to use lubricant eye drops GenTeal (hydroxypropylmethylcellulose 0,3%, sodium chloride, boric acid, potassium chloride and sodium perborate), stay away from sun and use sunglasses…
My mouth is dry… my skin and hair, too…

But I’m not felling good… I’m still in pain, and my “normal life” it’s not normal at all… I’m feeling sick…
It’s like a hung-over: I’m felling sleepy, nauseous and weak… as well as:

- Painful swollen ankles, wrist and hands. I can’t walk because of it…
It hurts, especially when is cold.

- Temperature changes. I’m cold, next minute I’m hot (literally spoken!)
My hands tremble too much.

- Humour changes. Happy days. Sad days. Angry days. Sometimes these changes take place from one moment to another… I’m felling like crazy!! (More than often…)

- Chest pain: like lung cramps… When I laugh or talk aloud… (Or yell!!) Even if I’m walking and talking at the same time…

- Arrythmia. My hearts beats and wanna get out my chest!!

- Trembling hands. It’s annoying when I’m going to eat, because everything falls from the fork. Sometimes all my body shivers… it’s so bad!!

- Appetite changes. Sometimes sick, some time hunger. And constantly nauseous…

- Thirst. I really don’t like to drink water. Currently, I’m always thirsty, and water is the only thing that helps me!

- Cough. Dry cough mostly… when I laugh, when I talk too much… even in a phone call I’m coughing after 15 minutes of gossip!!! At least my voice is already fine…

- Weight loss. Maybe it’s a positive issue!?!?!!


I can’t sleep at night because I feel so cold... even if I get warm, the pain doesn’t let me sleep… I’m not comfortable at any position… I feel anxious sometimes, and all my fears come to bother me and they don’t let me close my eyes… I’m feeling like a little girl, who doesn’t get asleep when there’s no light in her room…

Today is a depression day… I just wanna cry and cry and cry… with no reason or excuse… just cry, like I wanna get off all the suffering inside… all the stupidity… all the fight…





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Marilyn Manson – Coma white Lyrics

TOOL – H Lyrics

TOOL – Forty-six & 2 Lyrics

Panic attack No. 3

This is not supposed to be an illness "die-ary"!!!
March 31st/09
1:06am


This is not my first panic attack… It’s like the 3rd one…
(Yes, I had to verify about it)
But it’s the deepest one…

I was feeling so toxic… and lost…
Some people have possibilities… some wanna die… some other are just living-dead…
Someone has fierce and wanna live even if it seems impossible…
I don’t understand what I’m trying to explain…
N’Deaye has willpower and her possibilities some day expire… Her life expires…
Doctors told me I’m gonna be healthy soon…
this sarcoidosis should be healed soon (about 6 months),
But I know my body and I’m not feeling good…
I need to lose some weight in order to be healthy, too…
In every panic attack, I try to realize who I am really…
All the questions in my head about my life, love, my body, my illness, my mind…
It’s all a rollercoaster…
Up & down,
Fast & slow,
Alone & crowd,
Spinning and finally throwing up…
Sick of this vicious circle.
My dark night is pretty close, (or maybe I’m at the bottom already…)
I don’t wanna be in a darkest night…
I just wanna go to a better place…
I need my mind to obey my will…
I need to realize about my strength, confidence, freedom and passion…
I need my heart to be glad in this body,
In this life…
I need to feel alive… and everything inside my body has to work with synergy,
To feel pretty, healthy, loveable, capable.
I’m a mess… and always was, and always will,
But I used to be happy living between my mess and my wisdom…
I need to reach this point again,
Cause I’m not a regular kind of girl, I’m better than this…
I’m an intense girl – I deserve a bright life!
I just don’t wanna fight with myself anymore…
My sadness has to stop the fight with my lungs…
My lungs have to be healed soon and my life has to push play on it…
I wanna learn of this disease, and my soul is trying to get the lessons…

…Finally I’m falling asleep…
…My heart is quiet…
…My soul is silent…
…No voices in/out there…
2:06am

PD:
1. My pee is yellow!! “Bright fluorescein” yellow!!
2. I need to go to the bottom of this thought/feeling in order to be outside of it
(Its own imaginary dark night… should work…)

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Recommended links:

Fluorescein angiography - (I need it frecuently 'cause I'm using cloroquine)

N'Deaye (Inday) Ba - In memoriam of this strong girl

Sarcoidosis - (Lung desease) From American Lung Asociation

Panic attack No. 2

“…Be pink – Be pink – Be pink – Be pink…”
March 3rd/09


I used to lie in the grass to watch the sky when I was a little girl … I loved to see the blue sky, the clouds moving, and think about the shapes and the way they take… feel the breeze on my face… lie beneath a tree while the sun burns all above… I’m smiling... with my wicked mouth… Like I was there again… I’m in the club… full of life… joy… colour… sensations… love… freedom…

“…It’s pink! It’s a living kidney…” – I need living lungs…

I used to love the air… breathe, feel, see it… when I watch the sky, I could see little dots falling…
cosmic powder (My dad used to say)… I could feel it touching my cheeks… little particles pricking my face… (I’m feeling little again…)

I HOPE AIR IS STILL AVAILABLE TO ME
I hope I can get the air by myself… breathe by myself…

I wanna jump on the wheel… and spin, and spin, and spin… till I get sick…
And spin, and spin, and spin… till I was little again…

I’m scared – I’m angry – I’m scared– I’m angry – I’m scared
I’m scared – I’m angry – I’m scared – I’m angry – I’m scared –

I’m disappointed… of myself…
What I dreamt for me…
WHAT I BECOME…

I would like to start again… from zero…
…mmm… I have to begin from 26…
Fight for what I want…
Fight for what I left behind…always waiting to make the second move…

I DON’T WANNA BE THE 2ND ONE IN MY OWN LIFE!!!

I’m writing… a page on my “die-ary” again…
It’s a start…

PD: I want people stop bothering me…
I wanna live my own life… no one has the right to judge me…
This is about my life, not about what everyone believe / say about me…


Pic JTHM – Dear die-ary: i seem to be dead…


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