Panic attack No. 3

This is not supposed to be an illness "die-ary"!!!
March 31st/09
1:06am


This is not my first panic attack… It’s like the 3rd one…
(Yes, I had to verify about it)
But it’s the deepest one…

I was feeling so toxic… and lost…
Some people have possibilities… some wanna die… some other are just living-dead…
Someone has fierce and wanna live even if it seems impossible…
I don’t understand what I’m trying to explain…
N’Deaye has willpower and her possibilities some day expire… Her life expires…
Doctors told me I’m gonna be healthy soon…
this sarcoidosis should be healed soon (about 6 months),
But I know my body and I’m not feeling good…
I need to lose some weight in order to be healthy, too…
In every panic attack, I try to realize who I am really…
All the questions in my head about my life, love, my body, my illness, my mind…
It’s all a rollercoaster…
Up & down,
Fast & slow,
Alone & crowd,
Spinning and finally throwing up…
Sick of this vicious circle.
My dark night is pretty close, (or maybe I’m at the bottom already…)
I don’t wanna be in a darkest night…
I just wanna go to a better place…
I need my mind to obey my will…
I need to realize about my strength, confidence, freedom and passion…
I need my heart to be glad in this body,
In this life…
I need to feel alive… and everything inside my body has to work with synergy,
To feel pretty, healthy, loveable, capable.
I’m a mess… and always was, and always will,
But I used to be happy living between my mess and my wisdom…
I need to reach this point again,
Cause I’m not a regular kind of girl, I’m better than this…
I’m an intense girl – I deserve a bright life!
I just don’t wanna fight with myself anymore…
My sadness has to stop the fight with my lungs…
My lungs have to be healed soon and my life has to push play on it…
I wanna learn of this disease, and my soul is trying to get the lessons…

…Finally I’m falling asleep…
…My heart is quiet…
…My soul is silent…
…No voices in/out there…
2:06am

PD:
1. My pee is yellow!! “Bright fluorescein” yellow!!
2. I need to go to the bottom of this thought/feeling in order to be outside of it
(Its own imaginary dark night… should work…)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++





Recommended links:

Fluorescein angiography - (I need it frecuently 'cause I'm using cloroquine)

N'Deaye (Inday) Ba - In memoriam of this strong girl

Sarcoidosis - (Lung desease) From American Lung Asociation